I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Your cock deserves a montage
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
