Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
