My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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