dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
