You just made me feel so damn special
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
