Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
