if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
