dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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