Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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