Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
