"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
