Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
