My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize