thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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