you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
