allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
