dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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