By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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