I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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