i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
