insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
