it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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