I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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