mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We got so high we made milksteak
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
