Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
