Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
where am i from again
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
