I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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