dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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