Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
