I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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