You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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