I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize