So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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