somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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