Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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