I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
