Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
