Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
