he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
