Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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