I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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