Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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