the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
