Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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