I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my being single is dangerous.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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