Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize