i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
