I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
