Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
