The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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