Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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