It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
