You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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