when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
