i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Randomize
