my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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