yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
