Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
